Cancer

knight0334 · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 02:55:41 Post Subject:

Little better now..

Dont worry about the drugs and alcohol thing.. I told her I'd smoke one with her again someday, just never got a chance. So I took her place in the "circle" (refer to That '70s Show), friends and family. I stopped really drinking a long time ago, occasionally tieing one on... But she wanted celebration when she passed, she wanted us to be joyful that she wasn't hurting anymore. So I did as she wanted.

The cancer in her head explain a lot of things that happened between her and I. I wont say what happened, because all is forgiven. We reconciled resently, admitting our feelings that we hid from each other - which was love from the day we met to the day when we pass on.

She had been ill a lot longer then she let me know, or really anyone else for that matter. She also had lost her mom and brother within the last year. It had hit her hard, and wore her down. The the head pains came along in April and May, then June 3rd she went to the local hospital to see what was wrong. They did a cat scan, then life flightled her to Pittsburgh. There it was diagnosed in the high stages of cancer. They, we, tried radiation and chemo to hopefully give her enough time to see her infant granddaughter(born March 2007) take her first steps. She wanted enough time to do some things that she always wanted to do, time to let everyone get ready for "the day". However that day was only 1 exact month away from the date they life flighted her to Alleghany General.

I didn't have the money to be with her every day from June 3rd. I wish I could have been. I made it down as soon as I could get cash for gas, but she was pretty much out of it from the stroke and the morphine. We had our moment though when she came around one time. I tried my best to keep her comforted, giving her water and rubbing what was sore.

When the Hospice nurse shook her head and said she was gone, fireworks had went off down the valley from her home. I mean the exact moment.

I still wear today the ring she gave me, it was supposed to be a wedding ring. That ring will only come off when I shower.

And to be honest, there is something wrong with me too. Behind my left eye and lungs. I'm not gonna fight it. I've had this head problem for the last 3 years, about the time we noticed something was up with her. There IS a big change in the course of my life coming, so I'm letting you all know now. I've kept this to myself for sometime now, and I hinted to Teeny that I would see her soon. I couldn't tell her because this last week was already too much for her. I think she knows though. I am not gonna fight it, I saw what it did to her. The therapy only made her last month hell and painful. If she stuck to radiation, skipping chemo, she'd still be here today. The chemo made her so sick, and broke up the tumor to the point it created a clot and cause the stroke. I know that stroke and the results of it was not what she wanted. Her left side was immobile, her eyes weren't alligned, she was helpless. I'm not doing that, I'm gonna just let it do its thing to me.

I've seen all the places I wanted to see, done all I've wanted to do. I cant have kids and my heart is gonna be cremated this weekend. I'm gonna tell my family as soon as I get home, it will give them time. I saw what happen when there wasn't enough time for everyone to prepare. I'm not as far along as her, I do have plenty of time.

You all here and at iamnotageek.com are pretty much all the friends I have. I've only got a couple in real life, both of which are ex's. One knows, the other doesn't.

Thats all for now, I need some sleep. I've only had 5hrs of sleep since Sunday, and not much from June 3rd either.

Good knight all.

heylinder · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:56:06 Post Subject:

Bobby, I understand completely the decision you have made about seeking healthcare. I've been through cancer twice myself and had decided to never go back in for checkups. I just did not feel like going through it again. Well things changed for me in my life and made me care again. Please don't give up on life. I can NOT believe your friend would have wanted you to do that. I'm sure she would want you to at least try once.

If you decide to go through with your plan do not tell your family. That just adds more stress to their lives. You can take care of the "give them time to prepare" thing yourself. Live and love life to the fullest with your family. That way noone will have regrets.

Things will get better. They always do if you want them to. You just got to want.

**Doctor Feelgood** · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:59:35 Post Subject:

Wait... What? I must be reading wrong...

NewAwakenings · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 08:08:07 Post Subject:

My heart goes out to you Bobby!!! Liek I ahve said, remember you have 2 cancer survivors ont his board willing to help you!!! I like Linda after 2 years of have one thing really bad or another (heart surgery, then cancer) I dont even want to go in for my yearly full physical today, however I am going to go, and if they find something this year, I will get throught hat too!!! Draw on our strength Bobby!!!! We luv ya!!!!

**Doctor Feelgood** · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 08:37:24 Post Subject:

I guess he is serious... Sad

I'm not much of a "sharer" and I don't want to thread-jack, but this is all stuff only a handful of people on here know and it seems appropriate to let it out now. Where to begin?

I became sick right at Christmas of last year, and it wasn't clear what was going on at first... People were throwing out all sort sof cancers, etc, but none were right. I have something you may have never heard of called Aplastic Anemia. Basically means the bone marrow died. The key thing the Doctors stressed is how susceptible I was to serious injury, infection, exhuastion, etc since I had about zero platelets, red blood, hemoglobin, white blood in my system.

Although the immediate chanced of survival were low, they have risen to levels which I still don't find acceptable.

This week marks the six month mark of knowing what is wrong with me, which is pretty big according to the doctors, and summed up nicely (maybe not so nicely) on Wikipedia...

NewAwakenings · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 08:53:25 Post Subject:

OMG Doc!!!! That is horrible!!!! My heart and prayers go out to you and your family!!! If you need it, do they have a bone marrow match for you yet??? I just feel like crying for you and Bobby!!!

I knew soemthing was drawing me back to this board after year, maybe this is why....

I am going to extend to you also, if there is ANYTHING you or your young family needs, please let me know. I dont care weather it is money, support or what, jsut let me know. Are you going back to MD for treatment??? If you are let us know, remember that is where Woody's family is from, and we will do anything we can for any of your family that wants to be there with you!!

<3

knight0334 · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 09:42:32 Post Subject:

I did get checked. It is cancer. Its not far along as hers was, nor was it as fast growing as hers. But it is what it is.

Docs figure it wasn't caused from smoking, but maybe asbestos or some other dust particle. The docs told me too much blame is put on smoking as the cause of lung cancer. They said just about anything can cause it. All it takes is for some foreign object like house dust, pollen, skin flakes, etc, etc, to get in, irritate a cell - then it starts. Most people's bodies can fight off minor things like that, but those with a predisposition to cancer are likely to get cancer from the most minor thing.

Teeny's was caused by dust particles from the steel mill here in Weirton. ...not from the cigarettes or 420 that she smoked since her early teens.

I don't know if any of you all noticed, but I haven't been online much in the last 3 years.. well not as much as before that. Its because I've been trying to do all that I wanted, see what I wanted, and make preparations. My gut instinct told me long ago that Teeny had it, and that was why she did what she did and pushed me away. I understand it all now, all is clear, all is forgiven.

I am happy with where I am in life, and I'd be just as happy if I passed away after tomorrow. I witnessed my grandmother and Teeny go thru this first hand. Her grandma died of the same thing as my grandma, on the same day - only 15 years apart.

Its not that I'm giving up, but rather I'm okay with it. I'm not gonna do anything stupid like hang myself or something of the like. Thats the only sin that cant be forgiven. Some day down the road, it could be tomorrow, next year, ten years or more from now - someone will be posting my last reply. More than likely it will be either my brother(agpfiero or computron), or one my cousins Curt(theCurt) or Vonda(Vee). I have it in my will for someone to notify my friends online at the several sites I lurk.

My living will states that the only things to be given to me are pain killers, saline solution and pepcids. A DO NOT use CPR order is in effect. No life support.

heylinder · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 14:30:24 Post Subject:

Jason, I will include you in my prayers. Anything you need you just ask. Yes I would even start posting news again if you ask Wink

I like your attitude .... Keep The Faith!

Bobby, it sounds like you have made your peace. I understand that and support you in your decision Smile

Just don't forget that you never know what is around the corner and it is OK to change your mind like I did Wink

BeerCheeze · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:22:15 Post Subject:

Bobby... I don't know what you're options are, and I would never presume to tell you what is or isn't right for your life.

But make sure you ask around. Somethings these things are simpler than we are originally lead to believe.

You are a great person that I have taken great pleasure in having all of these years of association. Hopefully this will continue for many years.

**Doctor Feelgood** · Posted: Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:35:06 Post Subject:

Yeah, accepting what might happen and being OK with that is one thing (I am there), but just letting it happen is another thing. Please don't give up or anything!

Although I don't have cancer, all my treatment and support stuff is in cancer centers... I have been going so long now that I have seen dozens of people go from start to finish on their chemo and other therapies. Seeing their highs and lows, some not wanting to go on, but in the end I there hasn't been one person sorry that they kept going. Just being there to see the progression in so many people has made me appreciate things in life more, but it has also shown me how important a good attitude is (since I'm a pessimist in general).

Also... if your Doctor thinks there is anyway you could get treated at the NIH, do it. Best place you could be, the best treatment around, and 100% free...