View Single Post - Cancer

knight0334 · Rated XXX

Little better now..

Dont worry about the drugs and alcohol thing.. I told her I'd smoke one with her again someday, just never got a chance. So I took her place in the "circle" (refer to That '70s Show), friends and family. I stopped really drinking a long time ago, occasionally tieing one on... But she wanted celebration when she passed, she wanted us to be joyful that she wasn't hurting anymore. So I did as she wanted.

The cancer in her head explain a lot of things that happened between her and I. I wont say what happened, because all is forgiven. We reconciled resently, admitting our feelings that we hid from each other - which was love from the day we met to the day when we pass on.

She had been ill a lot longer then she let me know, or really anyone else for that matter. She also had lost her mom and brother within the last year. It had hit her hard, and wore her down. The the head pains came along in April and May, then June 3rd she went to the local hospital to see what was wrong. They did a cat scan, then life flightled her to Pittsburgh. There it was diagnosed in the high stages of cancer. They, we, tried radiation and chemo to hopefully give her enough time to see her infant granddaughter(born March 2007) take her first steps. She wanted enough time to do some things that she always wanted to do, time to let everyone get ready for "the day". However that day was only 1 exact month away from the date they life flighted her to Alleghany General.

I didn't have the money to be with her every day from June 3rd. I wish I could have been. I made it down as soon as I could get cash for gas, but she was pretty much out of it from the stroke and the morphine. We had our moment though when she came around one time. I tried my best to keep her comforted, giving her water and rubbing what was sore.

When the Hospice nurse shook her head and said she was gone, fireworks had went off down the valley from her home. I mean the exact moment.

I still wear today the ring she gave me, it was supposed to be a wedding ring. That ring will only come off when I shower.

And to be honest, there is something wrong with me too. Behind my left eye and lungs. I'm not gonna fight it. I've had this head problem for the last 3 years, about the time we noticed something was up with her. There IS a big change in the course of my life coming, so I'm letting you all know now. I've kept this to myself for sometime now, and I hinted to Teeny that I would see her soon. I couldn't tell her because this last week was already too much for her. I think she knows though. I am not gonna fight it, I saw what it did to her. The therapy only made her last month hell and painful. If she stuck to radiation, skipping chemo, she'd still be here today. The chemo made her so sick, and broke up the tumor to the point it created a clot and cause the stroke. I know that stroke and the results of it was not what she wanted. Her left side was immobile, her eyes weren't alligned, she was helpless. I'm not doing that, I'm gonna just let it do its thing to me.

I've seen all the places I wanted to see, done all I've wanted to do. I cant have kids and my heart is gonna be cremated this weekend. I'm gonna tell my family as soon as I get home, it will give them time. I saw what happen when there wasn't enough time for everyone to prepare. I'm not as far along as her, I do have plenty of time.

You all here and at iamnotageek.com are pretty much all the friends I have. I've only got a couple in real life, both of which are ex's. One knows, the other doesn't.

Thats all for now, I need some sleep. I've only had 5hrs of sleep since Sunday, and not much from June 3rd either.

Good knight all.