It's joke time :)

knight0334 · Posted: Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:07:00 Post Subject:

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

knight0334 · Posted: Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:10:20 Post Subject:

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a very tall hotel. He walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. As he sits there sipping his drink, the man next to him swallows a shot of vodka, walks over the the window and jumps out.

The man at the bar sits there in shocked silence until a few minutes later the second man walks in through the door.
The first man stares at him, wondering if he is seeing things. The second man takes another shot of vodka, walks over to the window and jumps right out again.

The first man is in shock as this happens three more times. He finally gets the courage to ask the man how he keeps doing that. "It's this new vodka" the man says "you take a shot, jump out the window and just before you hit the ground you slow down and land lightly on the sidewalk below." The first man orders a shot of the same vodka, walks to the window and jumps. A very short time later he is splattered all over the sidewalk below. The bartender looks at the second man and says "Superman, you're a real a$$h0le when you're drunk"

heylinder · Posted: Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:18:56 Post Subject:

John O`Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here`s to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the
night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here`s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John`s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he`s
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Kilamon · Rated XXX Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 811

A cannibal passed his brother in the forest.

--Think about it!

knight0334 · Posted: Mon, 06 Apr 2009 09:30:17 Post Subject:

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York & is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX He decides to prove this to himself & have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License & registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, & no one was coming.'

You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License & registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License & registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down & stop, I'll give you my license & registration; & you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go & don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick & starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer & says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'