Real Airline Humor

trekrider · Posted: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 11:03:19 Post Subject: Real Airline Humor

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely
in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanic s about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
Pilots (marked with a "P") and the solutions recorded (marked with an
"S") by maintenance engineers.

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)

+++
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

+++
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

+++
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

+++
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per-minute
desce nt.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

+++
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

+++
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

+++
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

+++
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

+++
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

heylinder · Posted: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 11:57:31 Post Subject:

LOL, those are hilarious! Had to have Qantas pilots explaind to me thou Wink

Kilamon · Rated XXX Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 811

If Operating Systems Ran Airlines
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOS Airlines

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jumps on and lets the
plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again
and so on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOS with QEMM Airlines

The same thing but with more leg room to push.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAC Airlines

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers and ticket
agents look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask
questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want
to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OS/2 Airlines

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped 10 different times by
standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you
want to sit and whether it should look and feel like an ocean liner, a
passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane
and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip . . . . except times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself
prepared before the crash.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WINDOWS Airlines

The airport terminal is nice and colourful, with friendly stewards and
stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and an uneventful takeoff ... then
the plane blows up without warning whatsoever.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NT Airlines

Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison and forms
the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound
like they're flying.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNIX Airlines

Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the
airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by
piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.

Blue|Fusion · Posted: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 12:50:54 Post Subject:

That Qantas stuff is good. I'm printing that out and taping it on the Squawk board in the airport here. (Squawk board = same as the "Gripe Sheet").