The BigBruin.Com Talent Contest

bigwheat · Rated PG Joined: 05 Jun 2004 Posts: 2

I teach Information Technology at a high school - this is an ad that we use to promote student work as well as find job placements... The pictures are of three different case mods that students built last fall. The fishtank is actually full of mineral oil with a submerged mini-itx board (mineral oil is non-conductive, so it works). Looked like water, but man what a mess. The computer on the bottom shaped like a coffin actually has a smoke machine in it, that blew smoke out of the eye sockets of a ceramic skull at stuck out of the foot of the case. The other machine on the top left is a bubble gum machine, including metal guide wires so that the bubble gum ball rolls back and forth down a path through the machine before popping out of a hinge attached cpu at the bottom front of the computer.

Fantasma · Rated PG Joined: 06 Jun 2004 Posts: 3

MURPHY'S LAWS
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Mother nature is a b!%@#.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy's Law of Research
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law of Copiers
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
The Murphy Philosophy
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

T-shirt · Posted: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 14:17:31 Post Subject:

Since Trek-y isn't eligible, I'm entering (stealing) his self-portrait post from the Den

http://www.bigbruin.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2248&highlight=

Had me rolling, I think it's a hands down winner Rolling Eyes

Thejudd · Rated PG Joined: 09 Jun 2004 Posts: 1

funny stuff:

can Bald men have lice?

if jimmy cracked corn and noone cared why did they write a song about him?

Frito Lays box:
Free Contest. Details inside box

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Laughing

Bumper Sticker:
Fat people are harder to kidnap
Razz

Can mute people burp?

T-shirt · Posted: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 13:15:40 Post Subject:

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" content.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind becasue he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those point hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 pm.m instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thought tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

T-shirt · Posted: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 13:16:43 Post Subject:

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

T-shirt · Posted: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 13:17:55 Post Subject:

ecently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Law Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses...

1. Q: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. Q: "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. Q: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. Q: "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. Q: "Did he kill you?"

7. Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She has three children, right?"
A; "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

T-shirt · Posted: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 13:21:42 Post Subject:

ccasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact
a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will
be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit
with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." Last one off the
plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one
you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

T-shirt · Posted: Fri, 11 Jun 2004 13:23:31 Post Subject:

What if Dr. Seuss did Technical Writing?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted because the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnelon another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effect of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
because as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom

BeerCheeze