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Charlie · Rated XXX

IF YOU'RE A MAN OVER 45 AND WANT TO BUY YOUR FIRST MOTORCYCLE... YOU CAN'T - Because you will be buying it for all the wrong reasons. Mid-life crisis. Stuck in middle management. Hair gone. E.D. Besides, why spend $20,000 on something you're just going to clean and stare at and maybe ride to the bar weather permitting. Eventually your new fad will fade quicker than that box of premium cigars you pretend to like. So do everyone a favor and accept your old life. There are still plenty of golf courses.

GIVE ORANGE COUNTY CHOPPERS A TASTE OF YOUR SIZE 12s - The TV show, the t-shirts, the dopey theme bikes. It's time to wake up and smell the 20W-50. What originally began as a compelling vision of a small shop's pretensions quickly degenerated to overt commercial pandering once the characters got popular. Rehearsed storylines became as predictable as the banner logos gracing the backdrop of every scene. And while a fake reality series is nothing new, it's hard to turn away from the misguided thousands sporting OCC merchandise like it's the second coming of Davy Crockett's cap. A hopeful epitaph: recently spotted Orange County Choppers gear on sale at J.C.Pennys, marked down 60%.

SOMETIMES THE LONE WOLF IS JUST ANOTHER SHEEP IN THE FLOCK - Especially if you only ride in groups of ultra-conformist bikes costumed in look-alike vests over "***** FELL OFF" t-shirts, fingerless gloves and beanie helmet. For a group of "rugged individualists" you're goofier than a bunch of shriners.

BIKERS ARE NOT AN OPPRESSED MINORITY - The "us" versus "them" attitude is long out of date. Your hair (shaggy or shaved), tattoos, black leather and chain wallets haven't scared anyone for a long time. The eye rolling you attract from folks and real motorcyclists have more to do with your pathetic herd mentality than the need to discriminate. Part of which is your inane desire to feel the world doesn't understand you. Truth is there isn't much to understand. The biker t-shirts say, "If you have to ask you wouldn't understand." Well no sh** Sherlock. Nobody's asking. And whether you're a biker who's black, Jewish, homosexual and/or a Republican there's no reason to think society's out to get you. So give up the glamour of being a second class citizen and accept the fact that you and your lives are merely average or at best slightly below.

IF YOU RIDE WITHOUT A HELMET PRE-PAY YOUR BURIAL COSTS - Rather than debate helmet laws, hospital and insurance rates let's cut to the tombstone. It costs money to put these jokers in the ground. So rather than burden families and society with the inevitable "let those who ride decide" if it's going to be granite or bronze. And have them open their checkbooks before they open their brains out on the highway.

LOUD PIPES JUST ANNOY PEOPLE - All that noise directed rearward doesn't do **** in the most common dangerous conflict where a car turns in front of you. Research shows that bikes with modified exhaust systems crash more frequently than those with stock pipes. If you really want to save lives, turn to a brighter jacket and helmet color with reflectives which have been proven to do the job. Or install a louder horn. Otherwise, you and your ground pounders can just shut up.

IF YOU DON'T RIDE IN THE RAIN YOU DON'T REALLY RIDE - No one is suggesting heading straight toward the thunderstorm. But if you're exclusively a fair weather rider it's just too impractical to have you on the road. Your inexperience and apprehension are to put it mildly, dangerous. And while mother nature is unpredictable, experience, skill and proper gear are what gets you through. Limiting your riding to only the perfect day is just a step away from hardly riding and eventually not riding at all. Maybe the best idea for some.

STOP WITH ALL THE WAVING ALREADY - As sure as the first day of Spring when every 2-bit bozo has their bike out... it starts. You know, the Wave. People with whom we only share the same transportation choice feel the need to mutually acknowledge each other like a bunch of prom queens. It used to be the only reason for an errant hand gesture was the warning of a dead skunk or worse. Like the last scene in Easy Rider when Dennis Hopper gets blown away for flipping off the redneck in the pick-up. A Wave gone wrong. Still the Wavers assume we're all long-lost brothers. Weekend chrome polishers all cruising toward us in dire need of validation. Okay, we admit it. We see you. We're happy for you. Just keep your hands on the grips and eyes on the road. And if you feel the urge, save the wave for the next redneck in a pick-up. And lets hope for the best.

YOU DON'T NEED GPS ON A 60 MILE ROUNDTRIP - Tom Hanks got back to earth from the friggin moon (Apollo 13) with only a pencil and a slide-rule. While it's great to able to coordinate your position on the planet in relation to Pluto it's nice to know maps are still available at most gas stops. Or how about the pure adventure of traveling without a destination? Besides, if all Tom Hanks had was a GPS he'd still be on that friggin island (Castaway).

STOP TRYING TO RESURRECT DEAD MARQUEES - Paying over $18 million for the rights to a motorcycle logo from fifty years ago doesn't guarantee that brand will fly off the dealer's floorplan. It might be good business to ride the wave of aging boomer bikers before they trade-in their two wheels for wheelchairs. But if the only reason to buy the bike is the retro logo on the gas tank it won't be long before people wise up. And with Excelsior-Henderson, Indian and others having filed Chapter 11, those late great motorcycles are again relegated to people's fond memories where they should have stayed all along.