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Kilamon · Rated XXX

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.

Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.