View Single Post - rodney dangerfield old humor

trekrider · Rated XXX

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd
have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you
doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a
shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase,
and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room
and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly .... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I
was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more
proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so
many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept
asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I
get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of
sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and
get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can
I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room
he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last
night he went on the paper four times - three of those times
I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth
control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;
he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite:

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother
_________________
Two wrongs don't make a right!
But, three lefts do!!