In a stunning October surprise, the Kerry-Edwards campaign has given Dan
Rather some documents signed by Noah, which prove that Ezekial Bush, an
ancestor of George W. Bush (who has friends in the oil industry), was
responsible for the 40 days and nights of rain which resulted in the Great
Flood. The documents also show that Ararat Arks, a subsidiary of
Halliburton, made excessive profits by building Noah's Ark on a no-bid
contract. Because of these excess profits, the ark was built too small so
the last two dragons, unicorns, and patriotic liberals, were left behind
to drown.
Dan Rather admitted that while the documents may be forgeries the
facts aren't as important as the intent. Enraged environmentalists across
the country have parked their Volvos and gone on hunger strikes, vowing to
eat only Camembert cheese and tofu until John F. Kerry (who was awarded
three Purple Hearts in Viet Nam) is elected President.
CNN (the Clinton News Network) also ran a story showing that the
Titanic and the Hindenburg had both been manufactured by subsidiaries of
Halliburton. John Edwards immediately took time off from the campaign
trail to file a class-action lawsuit against Halliburton, Dick Cheney, the
city of Elmhurst, and all icebergs in the North Atlantic. Jesse Jackson
was heard to react by saying "Their boat didn't float, and their blimp
went limp."
Michael Moore is producing a mockumentary showing that because of
close family ties to Emperor Hirohito, George H. W. Bush had been
personally informed in advance that Pearl Harbor was going to be attacked,
thus giving him time to get the family yacht, named "Obscene Oil Profits",
out of the harbor before the bombing began. Howard Dean's voice is being
used to dub in the screams during the attack scenes in the movie.
The Ninth Circus Court in California has just ruled that since
citizenship status is not a constitutionally valid criteria for
eligibility to vote, illegal aliens are to be allowed to vote one time for
each different Social Security card that they have, provided that the
addresses are different. They excepted families in which the parents and
children all have the same last name as being too Americanized to be
allowed this special non-citizen privilege. Senator Hillary Clinton
immediately clarified that the ruling only applies to illegal aliens who
are on welfare, and who vote for John F. Kerry (who was awarded three
Purple Hearts in Viet Nam).
Jimmy Carter announced that since only fraudulent voting practices
could possibly elect George Bush (who has friends in the oil industry), he
will invite France, North Korea, and Iran to oversee the nationwide vote
re-count if John F. Kerry (who was awarded three Purple Hearts in Viet
Nam) is not elected.
Ralph Nader was allegedly seen last night wandering the streets of
downtown Biloxi muttering "What about me? What about me? What about me?"
Peter Jennings announced today that he has DNA evidence that
Pontius Pilate was a direct ancestor of George W. Bush (who has friends in
the oil industry). He also has papers showing that Dick Cheney still
receives an annuity from the company that manufactured the nails used in
the Crucifixion. John Kerry told a cheering crowd of morons that he had a
plan to prevent future crucifixions of saviors, but that his plan was a
secret.
The anti-business wing of the democratic party praised his secret
plan in the hopes that he would increase taxes on nail companies until
they move to China.
And last but not least, MoveOn.org has a story on its website which
claims that the Republican Party, guided over the centuries by ancestors
of Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan, is in reality a secret society which
has been working to undermine world equality by planning and creating the
Great Plague, World War One, the Depression, the Holocaust, World War Two,
the Korean War, the Vietnam War (in case you didn't know, John F. Kerry
was awarded three Purple Hearts in Viet Nam), 9-11, the death of Lacy
Peterson,
Michael Jackson's face, AIDS, and the pending implosion of Social
Security.
Spontaneous demonstrations are planned for the weekend preceding
the election. Charles Rangel and Nancy Pelosi have called for an
independent investigation to be completed by Al Gore as soon as he gets
back on his medications.
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Two wrongs don't make a right!
But, three lefts do!! |
