Johnstown, PA – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural
Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going
missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle
gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were
discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant
dumpsters,” according to police officials.
“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the
protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”
The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing
tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing
leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a
hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing
and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of
the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we
let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era
Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with
red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers
by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I
was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they
could pee on me all day!”
“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and
he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t
prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle
all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I
was almost a woman.”
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under
duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted
on their heads.”
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing
nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally
expressed “surprise” at the allegations.
“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing
committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very
rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire
event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more
friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle
clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it
shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after
we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using
them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant
dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in
detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer. |
