Mattel recently announced the release of the following Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Tucson market:
Tucson Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Catalina Foothills Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at La Encantada Plaza. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version Barbie.
South 6th Avenue Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. South 6th Ken occasionally ventures out of his territory to 12th and Valencia for a quick drive by shooting.
Oro Valley Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Marana Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's a$$ when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
49ers Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the club. Percocet prescription available.
Sahaurita Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-Gut Ken out of Marana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
4th Avenue Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two 4th Avenue Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
South Park Avenue Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangster Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Vail Barbie:
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting.
South Tucson Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1884 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Juan doll comes with a meatpacker's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Tucson Barbie or Ken.
Miracle Mile Barbie/Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on parts". (Batteries not included)
Green Valley Barbie/Ken:
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Neither of these can drive, but they both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days". Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices.
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But, three lefts do!! |
