"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what
was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"
"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on
his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his
wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting
on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you
say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then
why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"
"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks,
"Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first
man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round
to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where
in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets
have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't
help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's",
replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming
unbelievable!!!" They say in union. About that time, in comes one of the
regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street .. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
_________________
Two wrongs don't make a right!
But, three lefts do!! |
