Life in the South....

trekrider · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 11:02:10 Post Subject: Life in the South....

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know the
rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
they enter a Southern State. (these actually should be the rules in all
states).

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for - bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of
water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have
a quarter-of-a-million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday
drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil
them with salty fatback, bacon or a hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick
one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on
them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of
wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.
Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators - and, if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.
The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them -
enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.

BeerCheeze · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 11:49:18 Post Subject:

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Those are CLASSIC!!!!

michael_holmes · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 12:02:46 Post Subject:

Yeah have you ever got directions down south. It goes something like this oh thats about three miles from here but you can't get there from here???????? I know I know it sounds weird but just ask preacherman.

heylinder · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 13:04:33 Post Subject:

All true and I'm PROUD of it Smile

Here's my fav ...

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday
drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

thePMG · Rated XXX Joined: 24 Apr 2004 Posts: 393 Location: Germany

That list forgot:

We will not use turn signals under any circumstance.

misty · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 13:40:47 Post Subject:

Red Squirrel · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 13:45:10 Post Subject:

haha, I need to find one for northerners... Grin

Red Squirrel · Posted: Mon, 24 May 2004 13:51:20 Post Subject:

Can't find the northern one but here is some more for southern rules. Grin

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12.Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.